Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
