I heard we made out
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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