fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
