Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Randomize
