Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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