an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
