I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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