You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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