i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
