I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
