She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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