I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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