This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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