What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
