whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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