at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
