I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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