Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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