3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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