this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
