people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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