I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
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Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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