How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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