Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I want to fling myself into the sun
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
