Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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