she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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