no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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