Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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