Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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