i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
