I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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