I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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