allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
