I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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