Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
