I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
