I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
