That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
