I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
