I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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