Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
