Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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