Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
