how can u be prego again
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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