If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
