I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
