well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
