that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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