Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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