i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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