I heard we made out
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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