I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
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You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
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MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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