i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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