Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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