see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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