Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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