i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
